Behind closed doors – The reality of Domestic Violence
“He’s really not that bad you know. He always buys me flowers afterwards and tells me that he’s really sorry. And promises that it will never happen again.”
But it does.
And this time, it’s not just swearing and cursing.
Stephanie and Dave had been together for a few years and shared one child. Initially, Dave was really charming and on the outside, appeared sweet and seemed to really care about Steph. After a few months of dating, Dave started getting annoyed and irritated if Steph spoke to any of her friends, especially if they were male. She stopped talking to them, just to keep him happy. He also started asking a lot of questions about where she was going during the day and why. She thought that he was just concerned about her safety, so she let him install a tracking app on her phone and car.
A few months after they were married, Steph started talking about how much Dave had started drinking. But then she said that things were really tough at work for him, and he was needing to wind down in the evening with a couple of beers. She said that it didn’t really bother her. Even though he could go through a whole case of beers a night.
On one occasion, Steph and I went out for dinner and when it came to paying the cheque she offered, but her card bounced, so I paid. I didn’t mind, after all she was my friend. But it started happening more and more. And then Dave started coming along. She just dismissed it and said that it was because she was pregnant, and he was looking after her. She said that they were having some financial difficulties with the baby being due soon.
I didn’t see her for a while after our last dinner. She had given birth and I figured she was busy with the baby. We kept in contact via social media, and I often saw pictures of her overseas, on cruises, in fancy dresses and new diamond rings.
I didn’t expect the night she knocked on my door. Two suitcases in hand, a black eye, tears, and her sleeping daughter in her arms.
“He’s really not that bad you know. He always buys me flowers afterwards and tells me that he’s really sorry. And promises that it will never happen again.
But it did.
And as I stare down at her casket, her daughter crying in my arms, her parents sitting next to me, I can’t help but wonder; Why? Why did she go back? Dave had been financially, emotionally,
physically, and sexually abusing her for years. She tried to leave, but he threatened her and then promised it would never happen again. She believed him.
One last time.
*Not based on real events/people
Domestic violence is on the rise in Australia with 1 in every 4 women experiencing violence perpetrated by an intimate partner (Australian Bureau of statistics, 2023). 39% of women have experienced some form of violence (physical or sexual) since they were 15 years old.
Domestic violence is abuse where someone (usually an intimate partner) uses various forms of abuse as a way to harm, manipulate and control you. These can include, but are not limited to; physical abuse, (often in areas that others won’t easily see), verbal abuse, emotional abuse (degrading and blaming language is used), sexual abuse as well as economic/financial abuse (withholding economic support).
Steph started believing that she wasn’t good enough for anyone else. Dave would call her worthless and lucky to have him. She started believing that he was right. She felt stuck, helpless, and hopeless. She had a child to look after and didn’t know how she would do it on her own. She felt so alone. He had isolated her from her friends and family – no one would believe her. Afterall, everyone else said that he was so charming and always spoilt her. What they didn’t see was the arguments behind closed doors. The times he would hit her so hard she would lie sobbing on the bathroom floor begging him to stop. The next day he would come home with a diamond necklace or plane tickets and promise that it wouldn’t happen again.
The cycle of domestic violence
Domestic violence is a cycle. There is an initial love bombing/honeymoon phase where the partner seems wonderful and appears to genuinely care about you. Sometimes the perpetrator will lavish you in gifts and loving words and on the outside they appear to be the perfect partner/husband.
Then would come the explosion and the abuse. It might take time and initially start with the insults and small disagreements. It might seem subtle, and you might doubt your instincts about what is happening. This can continue for longer periods and/or erupt into violent outbursts. Steph said she got to a point where she just started agreeing with him – it was easier she said. Later I learned that sometimes she just wanted it over and done with so that he would hit her, and the honeymoon phase would come back. It is a vicious cycle that you can often get stuck in and find it hard to leave.
I’m stuck – What can I do?
Your first step is to get help by speaking to your doctor or psychologist. Sometimes you might be scared to speak up for fear of being judged or even worse happening. Your psychologist can provide a non-judgemental space for you to explore your thoughts, feelings, and options. Psychotherapy can help you create boundaries moving forward to empower yourself and decide whether or not you would like to leave. It can help you feel more empowered and not so helpless. It can help you identify resources as well as identify and treat any underlying mental illnesses that may be contributing towards your emotional wellbeing and feeling vulnerable. The earlier that you have identified the pattern and the problematic behaviour the easier it is to get out.
If you suspect that you may be in a domestically abusive relationship, book an appointment with Dr Baleta for a safe, non-judgemental session where together you can figure out your options and have support. To make an appointment with Dr Pauline Baleta try Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call Vision Psychology Brisbane on (07) 3088 5422.