Vision Psychology Brisbane

Open 6 Days - Wishart Psychologist & Counselling Centre

Fair Fighting Rules

Fair Fighting Rules 

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but how we approach it can make all the difference. As a therapist, I’ve witnessed first hand the power of skilful conflict resolution in fostering understanding and growth within individuals and couples. Conversely, I’ve seen the detrimental effects of unresolved conflicts and ineffective communication strategies. 

These rules of conflict resolution are not about winning arguments but about fostering understanding, empathy, and growth within relationships. My hope is that they empower you with the tools to build the strong and loving relationship you desire. 

Fair Fighting Rules 

  1. Self-Reflection:?Before engaging in a disagreement, take a moment for introspection. Ask yourself why you’re feeling upset. Is it because your partner left dirty dishes in the sink, or does it connect to a broader concern, such as the sharing of household responsibilities? Reflecting on your own emotions is a crucial step before entering into any discussion.
  2. Stay on Topic:?Focus on the current issue or concern without bringing up the past. This helps prevent the conversation from becoming overwhelming and unproductive (1). Avoid using the argument as an opportunity to unload unrelated complaints. Research shows that focusing on one issue at a time leads to more effective conflict resolution (1). 
  3. No Name-Calling or Insults: Refrain from using degrading language. Instead of attacking your partner’s character, concentrate on the issue at hand. Avoid put-downs, profanity, or name-calling, as these only escalate tensions and distract from the actual problem. Do your best to maintain respect for your partner, even when disagreements are heated. This promotes a sense of safety and security in the relationship (2). Research suggests that respectful communication is essential for maintaining healthy relationships (2).
  4. Express Emotions Verbally:?Express your emotions verbally. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings effectively, taking responsibility for your emotions. For example, say, “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls” or “I feel scared when you yell.” Starting with “I” promotes personal accountability while respecting the other rules of fair fighting.
  5. Take Turns Speaking:?Practice active listening by allowing your partner to speak without interruption. This demonstrates respect and validates your partner’s perspective (2). Refrain from making corrections or planning your response while they speak, instead, focus on understanding their perspective. This can help prevent misunderstandings and promote empathy (2). Aim to understand their viewpoint, even if you disagree. If you struggle with interrupting, consider using a timer to allocate equal speaking time.
  6. Avoid Stonewalling:?Stonewalling involves withdrawing and refusing to engage in the discussion. While this may provide temporary relief, it leaves the original issue unresolved and your partner feeling unheard. If you need a break, communicate this to your partner, and agree on a time to resume the conversation.
  7. No Yelling:?Yelling is always counterproductive in conflict resolution. It does not facilitate understanding or empathy but, rather, asserts dominance. Even if it appears to intimidate your partner into submission, it exacerbates the underlying problem.
  8. Take Time-Outs:?In situations where emotions run high, it’s advisable to take a time-out. Ideally, we would adhere to these rules consistently, but in reality, emotions can cloud judgment. A time-out allows both parties to cool down. Agree on a specific time to revisit the issue when everyone is calmer. Research shows that taking breaks during conflict can help prevent emotional flooding and promote clearer thinking (1).
  9. Express Appreciation:?Acknowledge your partner’s perspective and efforts to resolve conflict. Research suggests that expressing gratitude can strengthen relationship bonds (3). Express gratitude for their willingness to engage in open and honest communication. This can help create a positive and supportive atmosphere for conflict resolution (3).
  10. Seek Understanding, Not Victory:?Strive for compromise or mutual understanding. Recognise that not all conflicts have a perfect solution. Life can be complex and messy. Aim for a middle ground where both parties can make concessions if necessary. Approach conflict as an opportunity to understand your partner’s feelings and perspective, rather than focusing on winning the argument. 
  11. Remain Supportive:?Literature consistently shows that couples who remain supportive of each other, even during conflicts, tend to have more resilient and satisfying relationships. When partners use positive affirmations and supportive language during disagreements, it fosters a sense of safety and understanding (5).

In the end, it’s the shared commitment to these principles that transforms conflicts from potential pitfalls into stepping stones towards stronger and more fulfilling relationships. Remember that it’s not about avoiding disagreements but about navigating them with respect, empathy, and openness. 

To book a couples therapy appointment with Sabrina, select Online Booking or call M1 Psychology Loganholme on (07) 3088 5422 for enquire more.

 

References 

  1. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work (1st ed.). New York: Crown. 
  1. Johnson, S.M. (2007). The Contribution of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.?Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 37, 47-52. 
  1. Lambert, N. M., Clark, M. S., Durtschi, J., Fincham, F. D., & Graham, S. M. (2010). Benefits of expressing gratitude: Expressing gratitude to a partner changes one’s view of the relationship.?Psychological Science, 21(4), 574-580.?https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610364003 
  1. Hawkins, A. J., & Booth, A. (2005). Unresolved conflict and marital satisfaction: The role of supportive interactions.?Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 31(2), 237-247.?https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2005.tb01552.x 
  1. Geldhof, G. J., Preacher, K. J., & Zyphur, M. J. (2014). Reliability estimation in a multilevel confirmatory factor analysis framework.?Psychological Methods, 19(1), 72.?https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022441 
  2. Graham, J. M., Diebels, K. J., & Barnow, Z. B. (2011). The reliability of relationship satisfaction: A reliability generalization meta-analysis.?Journal of Family Psychology, 25(1), 39-48.?https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022441 
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